Narration
by Evil Lil' Katbird
Summary: Spike explains his day to Edgar Allen Poe's The Raven. (it might be a higher rating, but nothing bad)


Once apon a cool night bleary, while I hunted, stark and cheery,  
  
Looking for my long lost insane whore,  
  
There I strolled on, clearly dashing, suddenly I heard a snapping,  
  
As if someone loudly slashing, slashing at some deamon gore.  
  
"Just the Slayer," I grumbled, "slashing at some deamon gore-  
  
Only this and nothing more."  
  
.  
  
.  
  
Well, as this town's only real contender, I had to remember  
  
That without sleep, I could not even render the lowliest of creatures on the floor  
  
Suddenly I dreaded the 'morrow, having had the curse to borrow  
  
Some change to buy beer, feeling hollow, thinking of the hangover in the mor'  
  
Danmed and cursed be the hangovers in the mor'  
  
And the bartender who tossed me onto the floor  
  
.  
  
.  
  
And I passed the gravestones of some dead Purtian  
  
Then something hit me, something I'd never felt before;  
  
And so, in the dead earth I stood repeating,  
  
"The wind must have pushed open my crypt door-  
  
Or some bloody squirrel that came in through the crypt door-  
  
Only this and nothing more."  
  
.  
  
.  
  
Presently I grew nervous, what if someone had seen my purchase?  
"Damn!" I yelled, "You better not have touched my porn!  
  
If you have, I swear you'll be crapping, and eating, and napping  
  
Inside what's left of the scrapings of a brown bag from the store!  
  
Now get your ass out here!" I bellowed, throwing open the door.  
  
Dust there, but nothing more.  
  
.  
  
.  
  
On into the gray room, peering, then I was jumping, cheering!  
  
No one had been there to find my purchase from before!  
  
Then I realized, feeling broken, that would mean no mortals croakin'  
  
And my lovely crypt not filled with tubs of gore  
  
My walls were bleak and aged and stony, no sighs of the wonderous gore  
  
Only this and nothing more.  
  
.  
  
.  
  
Then I stood up, alert and turning, something here was quite discerning,  
  
As I began to hear a moaning across the room and through the door  
  
"Figures," said I, "that some pair of twits would come here to get some practice.  
  
I'll go see what they look like then leave their bodies to dry in the moor.  
  
I'll take their blood, and their bodies will stay in the moor.  
  
I'll do this and nothing more."  
  
.  
  
.  
  
Then and there I stormed into the room of clutter, expecting full well to see a young couple fluster and stutter,  
  
Trying to explain why they had invaded my crypt and stain'd my floor,  
  
What I saw shocked me compleatly, made me run from the room quite fleetly,  
  
And slam shut that accursed door  
  
To nearly shatter that accursed door  
  
I would stay there, and nothing more  
  
.  
  
.  
  
Of course I could hear the beats and whining,  
  
For nothing was thinner at that moment that the large redwood door.  
  
"Even my own house they came in!" I gasped, "Even my own crypt is no haven  
  
From their mindless shagging they could have done on the Pacific shore!  
  
Why the bloody hell couldn't they have done it on a moonlit shore?"  
  
I would stand this nevermore!  
  
.  
  
.  
  
I cringed as I heard a howl which was by no means saintly,  
  
I knew its owner and it made me shudder to the core.  
  
The ones in there could go on like no mere human being,  
  
And I knew that I could be forever in front of this redwood door,  
  
That I could soon be dust in front of this damned thinly made redwood door  
  
I would stand this nevermore!  
  
.  
  
.  
  
But when I came to rise and give them the unholy, I found that I could only  
  
Rise an inch up off the cold stoneworked floor  
  
Before another inhuman howl and a pleasured scream were uttered  
  
And I found my ass back on the stone, cursing it without a chore-  
  
For cursing it was easy, but the two beyond was the chore  
  
I would see the moonrise nevermore  
  
.  
  
.  
  
Then the two strode through the door, all but deshelved and smiling  
  
I hurridly stood to meet the two who had so happily come through the door,  
  
Then, surely thanks to my quick thinking, I found myself stark and still and not blinking  
  
And they did not notice me and made it for the door  
  
Uninvite them, they would shag here nevermor-  
  
.  
  
.  
  
The door creaked open and Buffy stuck her head in, "Oh, and Spike?" I gulped. "Next time you want to narate, do it quietly." And then she was gone.  
  
.  
  
"Bloody Hell."  
  
.  
  
Fin. 


End file.
